You can look up any article on early signs of pregnancy and it will give you all the same stuff, nausea, exhaustion/fatigue, headache, sore breasts, a missed period (!), and an overall feeling of just being “off.” This last one always makes me laugh because I spend a large part of my life with an overall feeling of just being “off.” In fact, its that feeling that has probably led me to wait as long as I have to get pregnant, and to feel so ambivalent about having a child. Are most people so “on” all the time that just feeling “off” would motivate a search for “early signs of pregnancy,” or a trip to Walgreens for a pregnancy test?
Feeling “off” a lot, had me behind the 8 ball on the early signs of pregnancy front, so instead, I took my missed period coupled with fatigue and waited for another few days until I felt what maybe the articles really mean when they refer to “just feeling off”; electric blood.
A day or two after my missed period I woke up with a strange, buzzing energy making its way through my veins. By day four, I had to do something about it. It was making my heart race, and getting me up super early to maybe want to run…a marathon. My blood felt electrified and bubbly, and my breath was shortened as if by excitement, but nothing had really happened to get me excited.
I poked my husband, “this is going to sound crazy, but I think I am either going crazy, or I’m pregnant. I swear I think I’m pregnant!” He rolled over, “go get a test.” So disappointing. I was wanting him to sit up and be like SO excited and offer to take me to breakfast and we could get a test together! As much as I consider myself a non-romantic, there have been a few times in my marriage that I have angled my way into creating a memory only to have my husband not even come close to picking up the scent and either show up late, fall asleep, or get stuck at work. None of this bothers me anymore, it just creates opportunities for me to do it for myself and feel even more grateful and surprised for the stuff he does for me that I never could have schemed up on my own.
So I did what all pregnant ladies do, I went to Target. Target is a pregnant woman’s dream, they sell Liz Lange and belly shapers and lots of stretchy pants! I skipped the maternity section and went straight for the snack aisle putting a bag of sour cream and cheddar Ruffles in my cart after opening them and eating a few, then on to the pharmacy section for tampons and Advil, because if I was wrong about the pregnancy I would need both of those, and then back to the ladies clothing section for a pair of jeans that would fit me now. After my savory, salty tour of denial I made my way back over to the pharmacy section where I picked up a pregnancy test. I shoved more chips into my face as my electrified blood raced me through check out, back to the car, into the garage, up the stairs, home in the loo for an immediate clear as day “pregnant” on a stick.
My electrified blood pulsated up my neck, reddening my face, throbbing in my ears. This is it. This is what it feels like. I’m 40 and pregnant. I have electricity in my blood. It’s never going to be about me and all of my unfinished projects ever again.