All the Moms tell me to do this and to do that. They have all the answers, I mean after all they are Moms, right? When it comes to sleep I’ve been told to stop nursing so much, to let him cry it out, to rub his back until he falls back to sleep. I take note and then fall back into what gets him asleep the fastest and me back to bed anxiously scrolling through my phone. For weeks I have been a prisoner to some esoteric nap routine that he is supposed to have dug into by now; a hill between 6AM-9AM, a deep restful valley between 9:30-11:30…etc. I wonder who these Moms are that have established routines with their babies, do they never leave the house?
Moms from the 70’s told me all about rice cereal when he was 2 months, and I listened with all due respect while my aching, raw, nipples leaked onto disposable pads in my ballet nursing bra. I think back to the nurse at the hospital pinching my breast and exclaiming “this is liquid GOLD!” as my son was getting diapered for the first time. I’m supposed to feed my baby processed filler cereal instead of liquid gold and that’s going to help him sleep? Full of crap.
He goes with me everywhere, my little sidekick for the past nine months. He fake coughs in the back seat to get my attention, he sings along to the music in his weird little language that is sometimes rather aggressive but always cheerful. I want to remember everything. In the moment I look at him and melt and think, I will remember this moment, I will remember this moment….
When he finally goes to sleep, I scroll through photos and wonder how he ever was that little, and I know that there is no way I can remember everything. Everything without sleep is a blur. All the Moms can tell me anything and I will nod my head, but I know that this special little being that was born into such a unique family will do what he does to get what he needs, and because of it, I will be the Mom who’s kinda late, or a little bristly, or maybe doesn’t show up at all, and everything will seem like a blur until I can one day be the Mom who says “I get it.”